How to Love Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

How to Love a Girl With Borderline Personality Disorder

I don’t act out to upset you or for attention. I do it because it’s in me, it’s who I am. I don’t mean to hurt you. I don’t mean to stress you out nor do I mean to cause you any pain. I’m not “crazy,” I’m just different. I function differently than you. My brain is actually different, you need to know that.

Loving someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD) isn’t all bad. It’s isn’t just 10 texts of me panicking over something or me questioning you. It will be thrilling, exiting and I’ll love you harder than you’ve ever been loved. You’ll experience things with me you never thought were imaginable. BPD isn’t all bad. With me, you’ll experience love in a different light, you’ll feel wanted, needed. For me it’s like electric coming from us both. It will be fiery and full of energy and it will make your head spin.

You’ll be amazed that you’re loved so much by someone.

People say don’t fall for someone with BPD because they lie, they control, they manipulate — the list goes on. But that isn’t always true — that isn’t who we are, that isn’t who I am.

I will overthink, I will get scared, I will need reassurance. It isn’t because I don’t trust you, it’s because I have trust issues.

What I need is for you to love me, to love me back. I need you to tell me you love me and show me you do. I’m not asking for flowers and holidays, I’m asking for kisses. Or a message asking if I’ve eaten or showered today.

BPD makes me feel emotions 10 times more extremely than most, so the people and things I love — I love more. The things I enjoy — I enjoy more. I am passionate, affectionate and caring. I can physically feel pain when someone is upset, I care so much about helping people and making everyone happy. I am not some nasty person who will lie to you to keep you around.

To love me, you must love my illnesses. You must love my imperfections. You must embrace them with me and help me understand there is a light at the end of this black tunnel I’ve been walking down my whole life. Because deep down I know it too — I’m just scared.

Having BPD doesn’t just affect a relationship. It affects me too — most people forget that. People fixate on the fact people with BPD cannot (in their opinion) have relationships with people. Which is untrue. Sometimes I’ll be so low I may not wanna brush my hair for a week, then I’ll break down because I haven’t brushed my hair. Sometimes I’ll hate myself so much I will feel like I shouldn’t be here. Sometimes my head will race so much with so many different thoughts, it will physically hurt me.

Having BPD is not loving myself enough. Having BPD for me means trapping other people’s opinions in my head and fixating on them. Having BPD for me is living with the crushing fear of abandonment and hoping and praying desperately it won’t happen again.

I need you to know this isn’t your fault. I need you to know I’m sorry for not trusting you even though you haven’t give me one reason not to. I need you to know my past has made me this way. I don’t blame you.

Things for me are either black or white — with no in-between. I’m sorry this is all so confusing, I’m sorry for all the bad times. I just hope you stay a little longer to see what can happen.


Borderline persons just want to be loved deeply and never left

Until August 2015 when I was diagnosed, I didn’t know anything about personality disorders, forget BPD. But with a break-up gone horribly wrong and my coping mechanisms turning extremely unhealthy I knew something was amiss. I was so utterly lost and desperate to escape pain altogether. That’s how I first started therapy.

I’ll tell you a little about this particular personality disorder. The classic symptoms are extreme mood swings, a history of unstable relationships, uncertainty when it comes to sense of self. They’re terrified of abandonment and will do anything at all to preserve a relationship. Hence there is always a lack of self-esteem, they placate, accommodate and apologize at the slightest hint of what is perceived by them as rejection or possible abandonment, to maintain the emotional connection. As a result, they are often taken advantage of and dominated which just further damages whatever remains of their self-esteem and increases their insecurities.

They have intense mood swings that can alternate from euphoria to shame to self-criticism at the smallest triggers. They also are prone to impulsive aggression which may be inward or outward; inward leaning towards self-injury (primarily, cutting oneself especially on the wrist) or suicidal tendency and outward leaning towards verbal abuses. During this time their typical thoughts are like this “I hate you but don’t leave me”. In my understanding self-harm is for two reasons, to attract attention to the fact that they require help and support and are unable to convey through words or communicate otherwise and the other, the person may have developed an addiction to the endorphin rush that follows cutting oneself, it becomes their easy escape.

In most of their relationships, which are usually kept to a minimum at a time, the beginning involves a lot of idolization of their partner, to the extent where it may just seem as though they worship this person, overlooking any flaws and adjusting completely and effortlessly in order to fit the other person’s demands. This is also because of their lack of individual identity or distorted sense of self. Mostly they don’t even realize this but they start adopting behaviours or characteristics of those around them because they are unable to build their own character.

At this point I feel the need to mention that I’m not a certified psychologist or any kind of expert and this is based completely on my own experiences, therapy and intensive research.

And that if you feel these apply to you or a loved one, please seek help. Trust me, life gets a lot less complicated then.

Now to the crux of my piece, HOW to love a person with BPD. (Again purely my opinions based on my understanding)

Understand that most borderline behavior isn’t deliberate. They mostly do not understand that the way they react isn’t normal. They do not know of another way. Be patient with them.

  • Understand that you cannot fix them. Only they can fix themselves. But they cannot do so alone and require support. Help them heal and grow stronger as a person. Help them understand that they are your equal in the relationship.
  • Reassure them that you are here to stay (and mean it. Relationships that end badly are one of the causes of BPD.) Remind them that you love them, as many times as you can. It’ll matter to them, every single time.
  • Understand that there is no real recovery as such from this personality disorder. Recovery, in this case, would essentially mean fewer threats of self-harm, reduction in the frequency of emotional outbursts and the decrease in intensity of their reactions.
  • Borderline persons tend to be extremely open once they get attached and this leaves them vulnerable and hypervigilant for real or imagined signs of abandonment. Pay attention to how they react; it is easy to understand what triggers a mood swing if you just pay attention.
  • Do not say things you don’t mean, at least not until they come to understand of how you are and get comfortable enough to the point where small things don’t trigger an outburst. Don’t joke about leaving them, even if you are perfectly stable and comfortable (I honestly do not get why people do that as a fun joke, it’s a terrible thing to say and a terrifying thought.)
  • As much as possible, communicate. Communicate a lot, express your feelings. BPs need attention and constant reassurance. They will constantly express things and tell you how they feel about you and they require you to do the same.
  • One of the possible causes of BPD is neglect, abandonment or trauma during childhood. Try to understand if any such event has occurred or contributed and try and help them get over it. The best way is therapy and borderline persons generally welcome therapy as it is yet another way of them being cared for.
  • It all comes down to this. Borderline persons just want to be loved deeply and never left. If you can’t do that, gently remove yourself from their lives; they need something stable and steady.
  • Finally, know that caring for someone with borderline can get tough and confusing and never shy away from seeking help for yourself and giving yourself importance. Also as I mentioned already, always remember that most borderline behaviors aren’t deliberate. They are also probably going to love you with every beat of their heart and every fiber of their being, and you are going to be their first and only priority. They are also instinctively tuned to reading your needs so you’re probably going to be satisfied and perfectly happy for almost all parts of your relationships. But there is always the chance of a breakdown or an emotional outburst, so to the best of your ability always be careful with how you treat them; they’re going to do the same for you.

I wrote this because after two years I finally feel in control of myself and I know that I’m definitely healing. A lot of things about my life, things that happened and things I did finally make sense. I wrote this because I finally know what I expect from a close partner, be it a best friend or someone I’m involved with. And BPD is unfortunately quite common but to a large extent goes undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. And I cannot stress on this enough, if you think you may be suffering from this, please seek help. It gets a lot easier to understand yourself and heal yourself once you do.

Much love.


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