The future is scary, but you can’t just run back to the past because it’s familiar. Yes it’s tempting, but it’s a mistake- Robin and Barney
It’s not easy to cut someone off. It’s not easy to completely disappear on someone forever. It’s horribly difficult to silently walk away from someone you love and care for. However, if you have any desire to move on after a breakup with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you must go no contact. You must protect your own mental health.
What is NC or No Contact? No contact means to cut all contact with a person, to remove every trace of them from your life via zero communication. It does sound harsh, and perhaps it is, but chances are this breakup (and the relationship itself) have left you a physical and emotional mess. If you want to remember what it feels like to ‘feel like yourself’ again, then you must go no contact.
Why? Why is no contact so necessary after a breakup with a bpd partner? You need to heal. You need your mental health. You need your sanity. You need everything you used to like about yourself back. You will not get that if you are still engaged in any form of communication with your Borderline Personality disordered ex.
There are generally two scenarios when you break up with a partner suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder…
In the first, the Borderline has painted you black and simply walked away from you. This is a cruel and painful reality to experience. You shared a love and closeness with this person that was unlike any you’ve experienced before. How could they just walk away? They NEVER felt like you did and it was never real for them. It doesn’t seem like it at all right now perhaps, but if your Borderline ex has discarded you, they have done you a favor.
In the second scenario, you (or your BPD ex) have done the breaking up. Regardless of who initiated the actual breakup, understand this – if the Borderline is not truly done with you, they will try to keep you engaged in the relationship. They will say and/or do just about anything to keep you around if they are still using you as something (not someone) to fill the dark void they hold within.
In both of the scenarios above, maintaining no contact (NC) is vitally important to your well-being. Even if you have been painted black and your Borderline disordered ex will not communicate with you, they very well may try to pull you back in at a later date (when they have no other viable options). Conversely, if they are trying desperately to get you back, they will not let up if you have any contact with them.
If you respond to one text, email, phone call, letter, chat session, gift, or whatever, you are showing them that you are still available. Even if you respond to their text with “F-Off,” you are showing them that you can still be reached; they can still get through to you and there is a chance they can pull you back in. You cannot be anything less than completely vigilant in maintaining no contact after this kind of breakup.
It is not an easy thing to do, I know it. You need to heal your heartbreak and whirling emotions now. You will never do it if you maintain any contact with your Borderline disordered ex. Get away and do not go back. These relationships do not work… ever. These are not healthy relationships.
No contact includes the following:
- Not responding to any incoming form of communication (regardless of the format or occasion- email, text, phone, letter)
- Not initiating any form of contact (regardless of format or occasion)
- Removing all physical reminders of your ex (pack them away and keep them out of sight – photos, gifts, etc)
- Not checking up on them (asking friends, Googling their name, peeking at their Facebook, etc)